i pretended floating                      above outer edges of the dream forest

                                 

                                 is this utopia? what infinity looks like?

                 

   it was really just me there   playing piano with the first lightening bugs of the season

watching over hermit crabs & sun dried tulips

                                                                              

                                                                         engulfed in water-colored noises till

                

                   the snow coming down & the snow coming down & i’m coming down

clouded               silence was the deal

                                                                

                                                               lording over me          cruising only in subconscious   i   ran

               

    away from home like that once     escaping from something i could not understand

i woke up so hot              & depressed          halting visitations & conversations

                           

                           with a memory         i didn’t want

                                                                                                                  

                                                                                                                      to know more

            the mask was so heavy & the mask was so heavy & the mask was so heavy 

                                 

                                  my heart

                

                  doesn’t appreciate when                                                          still asks for me

or hearing his name volleyed in conversation      he wasn’t an Angry Man                                                                    kept it clean

                                  

                                     enough                   made me feel loved & useful

                                                                                      

                                                                                 but being with him was like driving through a dirt road

                     

                             middle of nowhere                                        telling truths to the wolves

                                                     

                                                       there is no right way to take out the trash

the watering saved me                                            i rolled over on my side into ocean

                                                                       

                                                         & evolved            in solidarity with mother earth

i am seagull    little kid anarchy   outpouring heart to the lonely   those feelings i've had

                  

    my whole life    churning       a future of morning light       azure waves lapping

up my feet          raw           abundance & laughter                   sometimes i’m haunted

                                   

                                      with dilapidation

                                                                                        

                                                                    the mask is still heavy           i didn’t forget

how to love                              it’s the resilience of survivors

                                

                             ancient as their ancestors                 we are blooming

                                                                             

                                              in our basements                       tilting towards occluded sun

___

PAULA GIL-ORDOÑEZ GOMEZ is a Mexican-Spanish-American poet residing in New York City. She works in narrative strategy at a social impact agency, and as Social Media & Membership Manager for Brooklyn Poets. Her writing has been published in Defunkt Magazine, Wax Nine, and Fahmidan Journal. Paula tweets @paulagilordonez. Find more of her work at www.paulagilordonezgomez.com.