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June 17, 2022

sucks to suck

Amanda Cessor

DEC 10, 2034, 11:11

 

Hello there. 
 

Sorry, I got a new phone and the

numbers didn’t transfer. 

Who is this again? I’ll save you in

my phone, I promise. 
 

You don’t actually know me. This is actually a bit uncomfortable but I

heard you say your number to the cashier at the flower shop. 

They call me Alestair.
 

 

 Wait, you saved my number in

your phone after you heard me

give it to a cashier?

Look, even if you’re cute that’s

pretty fucking creepy.

You’re right, it’s pretty creepy. I almost didn’t text you, and I don’t think you’re going to find this question much better, but did you do a shift at the blood bar a fortnight ago?

 

Dude. What the fuck?

Are you stalking me?

 

No! I just scented you by chance and I enjoyed you so much at the blood bar that I followed it. I don’t know, I thought we could get lunch

or something.

 

So, you’re a vampire asking me out

to lunch after following me into a

flower shop and saving my phone 

number in your phone?

Are you trying to be cute? I’m not

getting lunch with you, creep.

There’s a reason we stick just our

wrist through a hole in the wall

it’s called anonymity.

 

Okay, fair. I didn’t really think before I suggested lunch. And of course, anonymity, is important. Can I try this again? Maybe I can call you? I do much better when I speak over the phone. Texting was never my forte.

 

Lose my number.

 

Now, hold on. There’s no reason to be so frigid.

 

SYSTEM MESSAGE:

This number is not in service

or this wireless customer has

blocked you. Please try again.

 

 

DEC 29, 2034, 17:30

 

Okay, you prick, you crossed a line.

 

Hello to you as well.

 

Don’t play dumb. Why the hell did

you show up at my work out of

the blue? Do you not know how

to take a hint?

 

Okay, so obviously we live in the same neighborhood. Has it occurred to you that I’m just living my life and you are living yours and we just happen to cross paths occasionally?

 

Yeah right, asshole. Leave me the

fuck alone, you half-dead weirdo.

 

I’d like to remind you that you are the one who texted me. I’m surprised you even recognized me?? Maybe you’re the one stalking me.

 

How would I be stalking you when

you come into MY workplace????

 

????

 

???????????

 

Haven’t you heard you’re not supposed to text someone more than twice in a row?

 

Answer the question!

 

Listen, I know that you humans struggle with identifying a joke via text—but it was, in fact, a joke. Despite your (completely misplaced) aggression I still want to take you out. I’m trying to flirt? You know, be charming?

 

Is it working?

 

?????

 

You haven’t blocked me yet so I must be.

 

Why do you even want

to take me out?

 

For one, you’re particularly delicious. This is a thing among my kind. When prey is especially tasty, there are usually other compatibilities that come along with that. Two, because of those biological compatibilities, I feel a little bit protective of you and I figure you’ll be more accepting of a vampire thug following you around if you know me at least as an acquaintance.

 

I’m not going to fuck you.

 

The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, but good to know where I stand on the matter of bedding you.

 

What else would you have meant by “compatibility”??

 

Usually just mutual interests. Taste in music, books. Maybe you’ve been looking for someone to watch crappy reality tv with. Maybe a little bit of mutual attraction.

 

Right. I’m sure it has nothing to

do with sex at all. All vampires

are just happily celibate.

 

I know that you’re used to 20-something incels that would do any amount of ass kissing to get into your very tightly wadded panties, but seeing as I’m well over 200 years old, I’m not as desperate as all that.

 

So no fucking, and no feeding?

 

Not unless you ask me very, very nicely. I’ll even meet you in the day time if you want. I’ll be just as weak as you are.

 

Wow, you’re so kind.

 

Would you like me to pretend that I’m not a centuries old predator and that you are not my intended prey?

 

Oh, shut up. I’m off tomorrow,

meet me at the bookstore

next to my work.

And I’m bringing a silver oxide

spray so don’t even fucking

try it.

 

It’s a date. ;)

 

No. It’s not. ;)

 

 

DEC 30, 2034, 23:30

 

Did you make it back up to your apartment alright?

 

I did, thank you. <3

 

Good. Sleep well.

 

You too. Or wait. Enjoy your day?

 

It will be much more boring now that I've dropped you off back at home.

 

You could always come back up

here with me?

 

What did I say about invitations?

 

I didn’t technically.

 

Yes, but you’re tipsy and tipsy humans say stupid things. Things like “You can feed on me, Alestair.”

 

Is it me that’s stupid? Or is it you

that is stupid for saying no.

 

You’re drunk, Lottie. I’m not going to feed off of you when you’re drunk.

 

Who’d have thought when you

creepily stole my number you

would be a gentleman?

 

What a concept—a man treating a woman he’s attracted to with basic respect.

 

I guess you’re right. The bar is on the floor.

 

Go to sleep, Lottie. I’ll see you tomorrow for that new year’s party.

 

Fiiiine. Goodnight. <3

 

Sleep well.

 

DEC 31, 2034, 16:43

 

Lottie, where are you? Did you leave the door open on purpose? I can’t come in, but it smells like your blood.

 

JAN 4, 2035, 18:44

 

Alestair?

 

Who is this?

 

It’s Lottie.

 

Thank the fucking gods. I’ve been looking all over the city for you.

Where the hell are you?

 

I just escaped from some blood hole

run by some guy named Damien.

 

Fuck. I know where you are. I’m on my way.

 

Alright. Gonna try to find some

place where I can get something

to drink. I’m so thirsty.

 

 

JAN 6, 2035, 20:13

 

Are you awake, Lottie? How are you feeling? How is the thirst? It’s usually horrible the first few days.

 

JAN 7, 2035 21:22

 

Lottie, how are you doing? I can come bring you some blood. Or we can go out to the Blood Bar if you need to get out of the house.

 

 

JAN 8, 2035 16:44

 

Lottie, at least let me know you’re safe.

 

 

JAN 9, 2035 14:11

 

Alright, I’ve been trying to respect you and give you the time that you need, but now I’ve lost three days of sleep over you and I’ve convinced myself that you’ve staked yourself in the heart so I’m coming to check on you.

 

Don’t come over I don’t want to see

you or any other fucking vampires.

Just leave me alone.

 

Lottie, this transition is going to be a lot easier for you if you work with someone who knows the ropes.

 

I don’t know what you’re talking about and I’m not in the mood to

spend any time around you

or your kind.

 

Our kind.

 

NO. Not OUR kind. I am not

a fucking vampire.

I’m just dehydrated from puking

my brains out these last few

days.

 

Because you keep eating human food.

 

I AM A HUMAN.

 

Lottie, please, I know it’s a shock. Let me come over and help you. Let me make it easier.

 

SYSTEM MESSAGE:

This number is not in service

or this wireless customer has

blocked you. Please try again.

 

Lottie, for fuck’s sake.

 

SYSTEM MESSAGE:

This number is not in service

or this wireless customer has

blocked you. Please try again.

 

 

JAN 12, 2035 22:56

 

Hey.

 

Holy shit, Lottie. Are you okay?

 

No. I almost ate the mail man.

 

Lol. Of course you did.

 

It’s not fucking funny.

 

You’re right, it’s not. I’m sorry.

 

Stop being a sarcastic prick.

 

I’m not being sarcastic. I’m sorry, I’ve been sitting in one spot on the couch for the last week staring at my phone and worrying about you. I’m just glad you’re talking to me again.

 

So, I’m a vampire now?

 

It’s looking that way, yes.

 

And there’s no way to fix it?

 

No. Not so far. You can’t rule out modern science though. Some of the best minds are working on it from what I hear.

 

Could you come help me? I’m

freaking out and I can’t stop

crying, and I keep crying

blood.

 

Of course, I’ll help you. I’ll be over right away, you silly girl. It’s not so bad after the first lifetime, you’ll see. And now lucky me, I don’t have to watch the woman I love whither and die in a few short decades.

 

I need blood before we talk about

the fact that you just told me

you love me.

 

Fair enough.

I’ll bring plenty.

 

 

Amanda Cessor is a speculative fiction writer living in Southern California. She currently has one novel on query and is working on drafting her second. She can often be found ordering iced coffee when she cannot afford it, singing songs about her dogs, and crying over fictional characters. You can find more of her works at amandacessor.com